Why I Love Heroin and How I am Breaking Free
When I was a kid, I had definable boundaries and structures that made sense e.g. I went to school everyday because my parents said so, I believed Jesus had taken away all my sins because church told me so and I didn’t worry about the future because my life plan up until the age of 23 was mapped out by school and parents.
Since growing up and reaching mental maturity – there are no boundaries and structures left. Everything has been questioned and found to be hollow. There is no ultimate authority for anything, only me and what I decide to do. The responsibility is great, every tiny decision effects mine and others lives. Often, I take decisions without even thinking and I suffer the consequence.
The lack of ultimate authority leads me to suffer from what the Philosopher, John Dewey called ‘The Irritation of Doubt’. The fact that nothing is certain while my mind craves certainty. Therefore my day to day life is one of constant anxiety.
Heroin offers far more than just getting high. Even in addiction it offers something. It offers certainty. Reliability. Something to believe in, no matter how perverted that sounds. With heroin, you do not worry about your life or decisions, you do not have time, everything is about scoring and using. Complete distraction from anxiety.
The only alternative to the life of heroin addiction is, I believe, the Spiritual life. Any spirirual commitment will do as long as it is sincere. It could be anything from Scientology to Taoism. Because religious or spiritual commitment is the only other thing that offers the same certainty and same relief from philosophical axiety that heroin does. Trouble is, full liberation from this kind of suffering takes hard work and time spent walking the spiritual path whereas heroin delivers it on a plate. Therefore, the most important thing in recovery is the practice of ‘self discipline’.