No Surrender

by nat213


I was in rehab reading the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous.

Deep down there was a hope that maybe I could live without drugs. I was open to learning more. I read the story of how AA was founded and then I turned to their method for staying sober. It made no sense to me. It was all about God. Well, any half decent God would avoid me like the plague so I skipped to the end where there were around 20 first-person stories about drunks who got sober.

I was gripped by their descriptions. I turned page after page, living vicariously through them, drinking their drinks, running from their cops, begging for their morphine. I closed my eyes and imagined it all trying to feel their oblivion. But every story ended in the same way: a conversion to AA and a clean boring life that was so much a happier then the rot and decay they left behind.

It was a scam. These fine young rebels were subsumed into the system they had tried to destroy. It horrified me to read about these great sparks being defeated and turneded into AA nonsence-peddlers. And now the same was happening to me. Drugs made me who I was, I was a star, I was a rebel, I was a hardcore drug addict and I loved it, damn all these people, damn this fucking society for pathologising my need to escape from the fuckery they have created. It is they, everyone else, who has the pathology because they collude with a system that is so unjust people go to bed twitching with stress, unsmiling and struggling for survival while the rich get more and more miserable in the whirlwind of their own greed. It was they that had the problem not me. My drug use was a reasonable response to their reality. I was the rockstar Buddha with my own noble truths,

1) Existence is suffering
2) Suffering is caused by existence
3) In lieu of suicide take heroin to numb yourself and hopefully overdose and die and finally get to rest from all this fuckery.

I looked around the rehab. The other clients were practicing some play. It was like a hellish pre-school. I turned back to the book.


— This post is dedicated to Syd over at thanks for all your comments and help